A reader of booksnthoughts sent me the following, which I hope that you enjoy.
(Please excuse the spacing and other problems, I could not fix them.)
Husbands and wives
A woman worries about the future till she marries. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman has the last word in argument. Anything a man says after that is the start of a new argument.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
It’s OK to let a fool kiss you; but don’t let a kiss fool you.
It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.
A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.
A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get it.
Confucius did not say:
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Lady who goes camping must be aware of evil intent.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
A hareidi man in Israel wanted to play chess daily but he couldn’t find anyone willing to play without prior conditions.
His Gur hassid friend across the hall would only play if the queen were removed from the board since it was not appropriate for a woman to be in such a public position.
The Yeshiva University musmach in the next building refused to play if the bishops remained on the board and stipulated that the cross be removed from the king’s crown.
The Mossad HaRav Kook graduate on the floor below wanted assurances that the chess board contained no shmita materials.
The Yisrael Beiteinu office worker wanted to pay him in advance to let him win every game.
The chozer bitshuva on the floor above refused to play until each castle had a miniature mezuzah in place.
His Shas friend from work insisted that the black pieces must always move first and be situated on the eastern side of the room.
The yeshiva bochur next door refused to play until the army pieces were removed.
His American baby-boomer friend from California down the hall refused to play Blacks versus Whites.
His cousin, a Chabad chassid, claimed that the king could never die, so what’s the use in playing at all.
Man repeatedly asked his rabbi to speak to his wife, who wanted to give him poison. Rabbi reluctantly went to speak to her. On return man had to beg him to give result of his visit to the wife. Rabbi replied “take my advice – take the poison.”
The man went to the Chinese laundry to pick up his tallit.
He was told the bill was $300.
“$300, for what!” he asked.
“$5 for the cleaning and $295 for getting out all the knots,” was the reply.
Choose a bride
A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says,
“Okay, Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The one in the middle.”
“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”
“I don’t like her.”
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train in France where there is no gender segregation
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.
In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, “I’m sorry, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?”
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, “I’ve got a better idea…let’s pretend we’re married.”
“Why not,” laughs the man.
“Good,” she replies. “Get it yourself.”
The Old Man
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an apartment overlooking the Western Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously.
Certain he would be a good interview subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall, and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks, “You come every day to the Wall. Sir, how long have you done that and what are you praying for?”
The old man replies, “I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians.”
The journalist is impressed. “How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?” she asks. The old man replies, calmly, “Like I’m talking to a bloody wall.”
An Irishman goes into an Irish pub and after a drink asks the barman for the quickest way to Dublin.
“Are you walking or driving?” ask the barman
“Well that’s the quickest way,” replied the barman.
A minister, a priest, and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day.
They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake.
Since it seemed secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom.”
As they were crossing an open area, along came a group of ladies from town.
The men ran for cover, with the minister and priest covering their privates and the rabbi covering his face.
After the ladies were gone and the men had retrieved their clothes, the minister asked the rabbi why he covered his face and not his privates.
The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”