Marry a Mensch
As far as I can find out, my dad, the famous Talmud scholar Rabbi Dr. Nathan Drazin, was the first Orthodox rabbi to write a book giving explicit advice about marriage and sex. His book was called Marriage Made in Heaven. Some of his colleagues, including one of his sister’s rabbi-husband, criticized him for writing such a book. But Dad was always interested in helping people. That’s why he left his father’s real estate business and became a rabbi.
His book was very successful, so a second edition had to be published. It was translated into Hebrew and sold to many buyers in a right-wing, very religious bookstore in Israel. Dad’s brother-in-law saw the success and wrote his book on marriage and sex. However, because he lacked Dad’s knowledge of psychology, a significant part of the book, his volume was unsuccessful. Besides his Ph.D. and rabbinical degrees, Dad had a Master’s Degree in psychology.
I wrote my first book review on Dad’s book, which was published in a Canadian newspaper. Since then, I have written 11,000.
This occurred in the mid-1950s. Since then, many Orthodox Jewish men and women, rabbis, educators, therapists, and others have written on this subject.
In 2024, Gefen Publishing House in Israel, which also publishes my books, published Devorah Kigel’s Marry a Mensch, Timeless Jewish Wisdom for Today’s Single Woman. Devorah Kigel is a successful dating and marriage coach who helped hundreds of women find and marry their husbands. She addresses women and shows a simple and smart way to date.
Her book contains nine chapters: Preparing to Meet Mr. Perfect-for-You, The Ingredients of a Great Marriage, Getting Ready to Date, The Dating Process, Dating with Dignity, Image Integrity, Devorah’s Dating Don’ts, How Hollywood Love Confuses Us, and The Jewish View of Love.
She follows the nine chapters with six pages of Frequently Asked Questions. Among the twenty-one questions are: How do you bring up how you want to raise your kids in a way that feels natural? How do you know if he’s a good guy? When do you meet the family? Should you end a relationship because of his family? When should I end a relationship because of a lack of chemistry?
The 131-page book does not address sex during marriage, as Dad’s book did. However, as in his book, much of the advice given in this volume can and should be used outside of dating and marriage.
The second chapter, The Ingredients of a Great Marriage, is an excellent example of such advice. It teaches how to get along with other people. The ideal husband should be willing to take advice from others and implement it. The first thing you want to have with the guy you marry is friendship. It is crucial to have shared goals and values. There should be emotional intimacy, that he is a person you want to tell personal things to, you feel a kind of warmth with him, and you feel safe and secure in his presence. You should feel admiration and respect for him. Attraction is essential. It is more than chemistry. Unlike chemistry, it is usually not what happens during a first meeting. Attraction stems from seeing good qualities in the other person and experiencing how that person treats us.
Devorah Kigel’s longest chapter contains her Dating Don’ts. She discusses breaking up a relationship with a so-so man, experiencing opposite traits in a person, confusing bad habits with bad character, being attracted to a “bad boy, ” dating guys who are not interested in marriage, having unrealistic expectations, what feelings should be taken seriously, being the pursuer as a woman, being friends with other men, and dating more than one man at a time.
In short, Devorah Kigel offers her readers practical dating wisdom based on simple, wise, rational ideas rooted in Torah values and her years of helping hundreds of women find and marry husbands who give them an enjoyable life.
She stresses that there is a Jewish way of dating. “Instead of dating for fun and realizing six months (or six years) later that you’re incompatible, Orthodox Jews first determine compatibility and only afterward start investing emotionally.”
Yet, her book, addressed to Orthodox Jews, helps religious and non-religious women date smartly.
“Gold diggers” usually have a negative connotation but actually a gold digger is just looking for a man’s bank account because it is a determiner for success and, a man’s worth is somewhat connected to how successful he is at making money (although money isn’t everything). I’m just saying that it’s better than spending countless hours with someone who is probably not a good fit anyway. I’m not saying women should do it, I’m just saying it’s logical for a woman to want a man with money. A man’s value is part of his wealth, and that makes him suitable. But then again, money isn’t everything. Personality is important also and that is part of what makes someone compatible. What men want most is loyalty. That’s the most important thing a woman can offer a guy. If your man doesn’t want that then you stand to gain nothing from a relationship. My advice to women who want to date is to look for if he is somewhat successful or at least has the potential to be successful, and more importantly, personality chemistry, and loyalty.
Good advice.
Great advice for dating. I’m glad your father’s book about marriage is popular. Yes, I agree that compatibility is important. There’s no point in getting married to someone who can’t be compatible. Everyone should adopt this practice.
We agree again.
Your statements, dear Rabbi Israel Drazin, are describing a common approach to dating in the Orthodox Jewish community, where the primary purpose of dating is to determine compatibility for marriage. Instead of dating casually or for fun, the idea is to seriously evaluate whether the person could be a potential life partner from the outset. This approach typically involves substantive conversations and meetings in structured, often supervised, settings. Emotional investment and attachment are usually reserved until after compatibility has been assessed and a decision has been made to proceed toward marriage. This process is designed to prevent the heartache and complication that can result from becoming emotionally attached to someone and then discovering significant incompatibility issues.
Best: stephen
As usual, we agree.
PS/// There are several Jewish books in English that give advice on what to look for in a potential life partner while dating. Some examples include “Dating Secrets of the Ten Commandments” by Shmuley Boteach and “The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures” by Michael Salamon. It is advisable to consult with a reputable Rabbi or Jewish counselor for guidance tailored to one’s personal situation and beliefs.
Thanks.I will pass onyour comment.
Thanks for the article, and I enjoyed reading it.
Is there any Jewish book in English that advises men on what to look for in a potential life partner while dating a woman?
Thanks.
Bala
I do not know about such a book but I wrote tothe publisher of this book asking if he knows of one.