“Genesis According to Methuselah” by Reva Spiro Luxenberg is hilarious. Every page has several funny remarks by Methuselah as he comments on God, heaven, and what God created. I don’t think that I ever read another book that is as clever and as funny as this one. Mark Twain wrote several books about heaven and Adam and another about Eve, and they are all very clever and funny, but I think this book is better.
Methuselah tell us that he was an angel before God transformed him into a man because of some misdeed he committed, but told him that he would be an angel again after being the longest living man, living 969 years. So, he knows the truth about what really happened.
When God dictated the Bible to Moses, it was perfect – every word and every letter was flawless. But a so-called scholar Laumentenkup recopied the Bible and made many mistakes. He couldn’t see the dirt under his fingernails and drank too much fermented grape juice. Methuselah wants to correct as many errors as he can. The following are some of his corrections.
There was no snake in Eden. God created a toothless tortoise as a companion for man so he wouldn’t be lonely. When this didn’t work, God put Adam asleep and created a woman from his third tonsil and ever since then women have spoken a great deal.
God felt pity for Adam and Eve and gave them garments made of skin. They started scratching like crazy. Eve complained that the skins stink, it doesn’t fit, and you can’t see my gorgeous figure.
Eve soon had a son who leaked a lot, but she liked him. She felt he was so sweet that she called him Sugar Cane, later shortened to Cane. The Bible spells it Cain, but that’s another mistake.
When Abraham’s servant went in search for a wife for Abraham’s son Isaac and found Rebekah, she complained to him that her brother teases her and calls her “Rebbie” which she doesn’t like.
When King Abimelech was impressed by Isaac, he came to him to celebrate, and brought wine, schnapps, corn beef and salami to the feast.
Jacob hated lying. So, when he went to steal the blessing that Isaac wanted to give to Esau, he crossed his fingers.
When Jacob ran from his brother Esau who wasn’t pleased with Jacob’s act, he stopped on the way and had a dream of a ladder with angels going up and down the ladder and miraculously did not bump into each other.
Why didn’t Jacob realize he was being tricked when Laban gave him his daughter Leah and not Rachel in marriage? There was a fierce sand storm and everyone had to cover their faces so Jacob could not see who he was marrying, and Leah coughed the entire night from the sand storm so Jacob could not recognize her voice. Jacob was so upset that he rushed to Laban and shouted, “What hast thou done to me?” He used the formal language “thou” and “thee” and “hast” when he was upset.
These are just a sprinkling of the many revelations Methuselah tells us.