The following clever thoughts were sent to me by Simon Greenspan


Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.


The only reason they say “Women and children first” is to test the strength of the lifeboats.


When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.


Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.


Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.


Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars, but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.


Home cooking: Where many a man thinks his wife is.


The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.


I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.


As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind:  every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.


America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.


After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.